Not quite crazy enough

Tantrum time. Stress I don’t want triggers anxiety. Come home to messy kitchen that stinks, I’m sick of picking up after everyone, I have a headache yet someone sits there making noise, it’s hot, I want to scream…
We move on Wednesday, which should solve most of the problems.
I’m sick of being hyper-aware/conscious of my moods. People get cranky, it doesn’t mean anything in particular. Yet here I am stewing like a bunch of plums, I’m sick of being emotional about my emotions. I’d like a weekend where my brain behaves like a fucking normal person.

I had the best day today. I didn’t get any packing done, but the world still turns. And yes, that post is about you gorgeous x

So psych this morning was awesome. Put application in to real estate, went to doctors, got form filled out, took it in, went to mental health and got them to fax a report through for me. Awesome stuff. Both my GPs suspect I have borderline personality disorder. Research it, it fits. Also fits mum. Ring dad to talk about it, not realising he has me on speaker phone. He flat out denies it and says mum’s ‘just being a woman’…
Ring mum to tell her about real estate. Find out she’s eavesdropped, she hangs up on me. Then discover half the food in the pantry has weevils. FML

So I’m getting kicked out of my apartment by my ex. After he fucked my ex best friend on my bed. After he dumped me in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
Fuck you, sideways with a cactus. I hope you get syphilis and your dick rots off. I hope you reach fifty and realize you’ve wasted your life smoking weed and playing video games. I hope you realize exactly what you’ve thrown away.
I’m going to keep flying. You’ll never catch me alive…

Today is going to be a relaxing day. I’m going to do things that make me happy. I may even bake the banana crack bread muffins… I’ll take a nap if I’m sleepy. Real life can wait until tomorrow …

God grant me the serenity…
No, scratch that.
God grant me relief
From loving you
I’ve come so far
My wings are tired
Give me a break
No more tears to be shed over you
No more forgiving
God grant me acceptance
Let me accept that it’s ok
To still want you
However much I hate myself for it
Being emotional over emotions
How psychologically unproductive
I want you to change
But I know you won’t
God grant me the courage
To accept my feelings
And fly

i remember writing a poem
10 years ago, sitting in my then girlfriend’s room and talking about the freshness of the rain and probably some ecstasy inspired drivel

you know how it goes

i remember when i used to write. to paint. to draw. to bloom.

i feel like i’ve been trapped under a rock for so long. i’ve dug my way down there.

and you were my catalyst. i love you so much, but you’re right.

i need to fly…

the last 4 days have taught me more about myself and life than the last ten years, because you made me open my eyes…

i could be romantic and talk about the freshness of the rain and the breeze and how i feel at one with the universe…. but i’m not going to. it’s 4am. i couldn’t sleep. my stomach hurts. i’ve just fucking made myself cry again…

but this time i’m crying for me… because i know it’s going to get better

i know i am loved, and i know i will love again

and i’ll never let myself tunnel again… 

I feel greedy. I want to taste every inch of you. I love the fact that you’re broken like me… Open… I want to hold your hand again, and just hold your hand and be… Raw